De Profundis

I’m afraid you turned into someone that does not care about anything anymore. I think you are too hurt and to shattered to adopt a new meaning in your life, a healthy perspective someone might say.

I believe they have poisoned you. ‘Cause you were tender and you intitially blocked everyone out. So you were just having fun. But you occasionally opened up to some people and they kind of treated you badly.

So there you are. If you were the biggest religious figure you’d be already dead. But you don’t even have a religion. Or come to think of it you might have but it would be genuinely unconventional and odd for most people.

Well… I notice you are wandering in the ground looking for a familiar face to talk to. Small chat, nothing important. You are somehow calm in your own way. ‘Cause you are uptight at the same time. But I think you are sad. And most imporant of all, I think you are broken inside. And it is practically impossible to heal now.

Hell, why didn’t you leave? Why don’t you leave? I could never understand. How can you afford living in this lousy city when you belong elsewhere.

I hate to think that you are sad. That they hurt you so bad that you have lost your beautiful inner self. Instead you have found alcohol and substances to ease your troubled mind.

Wish you could be you again…

Love Will Tear Us Apart…Eventually

Houston we got a problem. It’s obvious I’m bound to hit the wall. Maybe it’s my bad psychology due to various factors. Or maybe this was meant to happen from the very beginning…

The guy is really nice. He is considerate, loving, caring, with a great personality, funny, blah blah blah but at the same time he is neither putting pressure on me nor having his life revolving around me. He is what I’d like to have. I dare say he is what most women would like to have as a boyfriend or even partner or husband.

But of course I’m not happy. So typical of me not feeling fulfilled and satisfied. ‘Cause you see I am definetely not in love with him. I even started dating him because my girlfriends thought that I should give him a chance. I know. It’s lame. But hell I didn’t regret it.

I had a really great time with him and even if I could turn back the clock I would make the same choice. In the beginning I even thought that I might be falling for him. I was in denial for more than 4 months. And then he went away for a while. And then I cheated on him… twice…(yes with two different men!)

Of course I’m a selfish bitch and a slut. Even though honestly I never ever felt that way. All the time he was away it was like me being single again but feeling sexier and ready to conquer every guy I desired.

Of course these nights meant nothing at all. I didn’t have the slightest feeling for the other two guys. And I would not even consider leaving my relationship in order to commit with them. They were two nights stands. As simple as that. And in case you are wondering: no I didn’t feel guilty at all. No remorse. And no regret. Frankly, I was in shock when I realized how immoral and ruthless I can be. It was an interesting discovery indeed.

And when we started being together properly and put an end in keeping our relationship alive though skype and long distant phone calls I decided that I should give it a chance. Properly. No other people. Just the two of us because to be honest the guy deserved to be treated well.

And here I am, I am loyal for months now. It’s not that I’ve been trying hard to do it. Seriously. I wasn’t even looking for anybody to sleep with or anything even when my two nights stands occured.They just happened.

My basic problem right now is that the fact that I have never been in love with my guy. Of course this is the reason I can be balanced in this relationship. No extreme emotions, hence control of everything. And it’s surely better than being single. But there are times I want to keep my distance. I don’t want him to demand to much from me. And he doesn’t demand much I have to acknowledge that.

But I often wonder how it is when you are having sex to look your partner in the eyes and feel this untamed heat inside of you. How does it feel to go mad when you don’t get a phone call and feel like a teenager when you meet the object of your desire.

I don’t know what’s gonna happen with my current boyfriend. It might end sometime soon. Or maybe not. I don’t know I guess it depends on how many compromises I am willing to make. It’s more like a friensdhip I guess since I didn’t have any loving feelings to begin with…

 

 

Deep Shadows and Brilliant Highlights of My Musical Taste

I’ve spent years studying music. My favourite band is Joy Division. I understand the significant contribution of the Velvet Underground to music. I realize the artistic and cutlural impact of the punk movement. I have become familiar with Marvin Gaye, Miles Davis and a bunch of others. As for the indie scene I always try to keep me up to date with the recent releases and no I don’t find Godspeed You!Black Emperor that appaling…

And I have a little confession to make: I LOVE gothic pop bands! Yep. I ‘ve been a huge fan since my early adolescence. I absolutely love their silly songs with the bleak lyrics that are sooo cliche. Plus I tend to have crushes on dark handsome frontmen with barytone voices.

There. It’s out. I said it out loud.

The Idiot and The Possessed

I am kind of free right now. It’s almost perfect, just some tiny flaws but I’ll work them out. Seriously, it’s over, signed sealed delivered. I’d never thought that it would take so long but I’m almost near the end.

It just takes 2 deaths,  a serious disease, a move to another country and lots of socializing with any kind of lunatics to realize that life is simpler that you would have thought. Relationships too. You give and you get. A two way situation. A little more a little less but come on who’s counting anyway?

I always believed in “Less is more”… Yep, this is actually true. We keep on making a fuss about small stuff and tiny details tend to transform to hideous monsters in our heads. And then something starts eating you up from the inside ’cause you’re trying to figure out the truth and the hidden meanings. Wake up and smell the coffee: there are NO hidden meanings and even if there are who cares? Life is too plain, too short and  too  fragile to worry so much.

‘Cause the biggest truth of all is that what goes around comes around. The tables turn inevitably whether yoy like it or not. Once upwards and some other times downwards.

It’s painful to be young. Nice but painful once you realize what an idiot you have been. No turning back the time but if you are clever enough you learned your lesson well.

Someone told me today that I have changed a hell lot ’cause she couldn’t spot my irretrievable pessimism. Apparently it was not as irretrievable as everyone thought it was.

These days I go by the adjective ‘realist’. It is easy to confuse these two meanings. I just let go of the bad thoughts, forgive (myself mostly!) and forget ’cause it is really not worth it wasting our lives over meaningless things.

…I’m starting to think that somebody put something in my drink…

Love Is The Drug

It’s been 5 years. 5 fucking years. Loving, adoring, worshiping, crying, breaking down, going away, embracing indifference, moving on but keeping on messing with heart and mind.

I have come to the conclusion that falling in love is like a permanent brain damage, equivalent to a lobotomy. ‘Cause I can not explain how someone can bring shivers down your spine even after years of what you initially thought was just a little crush…

Guess what. It’s like a tattoo it never goes away. Have laser removal, have another tattoo at the same place to cover it up but noooo it won’t fucking go away.

But do I want it to go away? Maybe I’m the mental here (’cause I always thought the object of my desire was a genuine kook) since I keep on romanticizing about an affair that it never even started.

So here I stand after having left the country and returned back, after being in a serious relationship the past year, after having fooled around with other guys, after attempting to date his friend, after announcing that I don’t give a damn about him anymore, here I stand listening to him talking about….socks! yep. and the irritating fact is that I have this huge smile on my face and feel this pinch inside of me….Ouchhhhh!!!

I should probably embrace the idea that I ‘m gonna be old and still yearning for the object of my 19 year old desire.

‘Cause countless pages I’ve written, countless times I’ve blushed upon encountering him and so on and so forth.

I’m worried that I sound like a 13year old with a cruch on Robert Pattinson or whatever his name is. I’m shuting up now. And I become the mature, self-confident young adult image that I project to other people.

Yes I’m clearly mocking them ’cause I’m a fraud. I always secretly paint bleeding hearts and arrows on my desk while listening to Savage Garden…

The Unbearable Heaviness of Being

How does it feel to realize that the person you love the most in the world is likely to die much sooner than you would have thought…? In fact, you haven’t even thought of losing him ’til quite recently. But hey you can never predict the future, remember?

He is the person that loves me more than anyone else. He is the person that no matter what would never stop caring and taking after me. I just couldn’t stop my tears…

It takes a while to realize that someone you love so much has a terrible disease that will gradually devour him. And you will stay there in inertia watching him slowly fade away knowing that there is very little you can do. The 2 Ds (a.k.a. drugs and doctors) are beside him but still you never know for sure when it comes to lethal diseases.

And then you just stay there and ponder. I remembered how it was when I was a kid, the times we had together. And then…you have to be prepared for anything ’cause it’s cancer damn it, not a piece of cake.

Some moments it is even hard to understand that this is happening for real. It could be one of these horrible nightmares that you suddenly wake up agonizing but feeling safe and relieved at the same time because it was not real.

I was at this club the other night with my friends. And while they were dancing and laughing I was sinking into despair. Being in the middle of this gay circus was absurd while my father was at home trying to come to terms with the fact that he has to undergo chemo, radiation and a bunch of other stuff in order to survive.

I guess this is when you realize that you have grown up. When you see the important, strong and solid figures of your life (your parents probably) becoming weak, fragile and human. It is inevitable. Your pedestal will fall down.

But I don’t give a damn about the pedestal. I just want him beside me.

Greek Girls Prefer (Being) Blondes

I noticed it the very first moment I set foot in my lousy city.

I was at the airport cursing while being on the verge of depression for abandoning my temporary (and wannabe permanent at the same time) residence at the British Isles and returning back to my hometown or the cradle of disintegration.

This was the very moment I realized I was back at the deranged Greek reality when I saw her standing at the taxi queue in her summer clothes and detested fake blonde hair.

This is always the case with Greek girls. For some peculiar reason they all want to be blondes even though their hair is normally really dark. So they rush to the nearest beauty salon for some blonde highlights because they are under the impression that they ought to be fair.

Not to mention the ones that actually claim to have been born having blonde hair but under mysterious circumstances they ended up being 18 and brunettes. And when you naive observer notice the difference after her first bleaching appointment with the hairdresser and tell her, she obvisously answers offenfed “Nooo, I didn’t dye it! It is lighter because of the summer sun!” Naturally…

The absolutely disgusting and appalling view of the common Greek girl’s hair includes really blonde, sometimes almost white highlights accompanied by very dark roots. And I’m not talking here about dying all the hair blonde.No.The key point is the word highlights. ‘Cause in highlights only few hair is dyed creating this horrible mix of brown and blonde shades that looks soooo tacky.

Yeaaaakkk!